I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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