apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
