Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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