woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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