apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
