he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I am one with the molecules
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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