The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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