I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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