My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
