Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize