i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
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