Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Can I color on your dick again?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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