I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
