No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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