ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Randomize
