Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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