I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
