I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
