happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
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