I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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