Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
