I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
