I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
