when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
