He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
