good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
