my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
