im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
