I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
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