How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
