she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
