A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
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