omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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