Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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