Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
