seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
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