Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
It was confusing and full of hummus
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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