Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I smell stomach acid.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize