Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
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