i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
