Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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