well I can't set my house on fire every night
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
