This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
