the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Drunk is not a location!
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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