If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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