next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
