he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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