Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
