Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
