My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
