someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
