Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
