It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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