I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
