Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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