I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
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