I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Drunk is not a location!
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