oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Randomize
