Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
