I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
