Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
He has the fingertips of a God
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