A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
