i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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