someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Randomize
