I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
