So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Randomize
